I wrote a book titled “Releasing the chains” to let women know they don’t have to live in misery, in constant fear of not knowing when next their abuser will lose their temper and beat them again, or living in a state of unhappiness, sadness, and being emotionally drained just because they want a partner.

The truth about the matter is that, it takes two people to make a relationship work and if your partner’s not carrying their weight and you feel like you’ve been the only one carrying your weight in the relationship for years, e.g. communication, you try to initiate healthy conversation but your partner will complain and never create time, or you feel there’s no emotional connection anymore, the bond you both share is thinning out, and every time you bring up the issue, your feelings are suppressed by your partner.

I’m here to tell you it might just be time for you to let go off dead weight and move on with your life so that you can attract real love and the person God has for you.

I agree that no one is perfect but your partner’s flaws should be manageable like that of leaving his socks on the floor or not taking his plate to the sink after eating(I understand that abuse goes both ways but I’m speaking from woman’s perspective), it should not be things like physical abuse e.g. getting angry and putting his hands on you, verbal abuse e.g. calling you out of your name, like bitch, goat, you’re stupid, you’re crazy, words that lower a woman’s self-esteem etc. or emotional abuse e.g. cheating on you with someone else (another woman) (emotional cheating or physical cheating) or with something (watching dirty movies like pornography) These vices should be deal-breakers for you because you could either lose your mind (for example start needing psychiatric drugs or start hearing strange voices) or your life (physical abuse) from these forms of abuse.

Physical abuse is very dangerous as you can lose your life at any moment and with this form of abuse, the man would have tried you several times and if you failed to check him, he thinks it’s okay to push it to the next level. I will tell you what I mean, before a man gets to the point of putting his hands on a woman, he would first of all start by raising his voice at her during an argument and if she doesn’t politely but firmly tells him, I don’t want you raising your voice at me during a disagreement and if you continue to do that, I would have to end the relationship, if he listens and changes, you continue the relationship, but if he doesn’t and even tries to put his hands on you for speaking up then you know that you have to love yourself enough to leave that relationship. In these relationship waters today, women have to develop a backbone to stand up for themselves or you will end up a casualty.

Emotional abuse is more of a slow but silent killer after you discover infidelity, it breaks you down and if you keep forgiving him and taking him back, you keep breaking yourself down and soon your organs will not be able to function as it should because of the toxicity from the relationship. I know a true story of a woman who kept taking her husband back after cheating on her and sleeping with multiple women and impregnating two of those women but she claimed that she stood on (1Cor 13 vs 4-6), paraphrasing, love is patient and kind and it covers a multitude of sins but I do not agree that verse should be used in the context of an abusive relationship because a man who repeatedly cheats on you is not in love with you in the true sense of the word love. She was recently diagnosed with Cancer and immediately I felt in my heart that all those years of taking this man back probably led to this. You have to be able to love yourself to leave a relationship that is toxic and abusive because if you lose your life, that man with move on to another woman and not even act like you ever existed. Stop taking an abuser back, leave that relationship so that you can attract real love and the man that God has for you.

When going into a relationship, you have to know who you are and have your standards meaning what are your deal-breakers? The reason is a man can fake and put on a poker face for some time and you meet his representative and then after a year or two years of marriage, he takes of the mask and then you get to see the real man that was there all along.

Another reason why you must have your standards and be ready to leave once those standards are broken is because you do not know how that man was raised. The truth is some men just grew but were never raised; the mother never held him accountable for actions like telling lies, greed, laziness, coming home late, immoral behavior, hanging out with the wrong friends, and slowly his character was built.

If you’re in a toxic and abusive relationship, you need to evaluate that relationship right now so you don’t become the next casualty, you must tell yourself the truth; is this God’s best for me? And if you’re not married you can make a better choice, but if you’re married I recommend coaching before you take steps to end your marriage.  Somewhere in the bible, it says, “The blessings of God makes rich and adds no sorrow” if the relationship that you’re in brings you sorrow, sadness, uncertainty, lack of direction, no sense of purpose, lack of fulfilment, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship and understand that maybe God is not in it and it was not orchestrated by God.  You now have to find the courage to walk away so that you don’t block your blessings and so that you can attract real, authentic and genuine love and meet the person that God has for you.


Adaora Okekeocha

Author (Releasing the Chains)

Relationship Healing Coach.

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